Wisconsin

As soon as the cheerleader-less Packers and Steelers advanced to Super Bowl XLV, Cowboys owner Jerry Jones immediately went about the task of putting together the largest cheerleader team in history by hiring every stripper in the state of Texas.

In the wake of their first loss in the season to the lowly Chiefs, fans of the Packers have taken to message boards and office water coolers to awkwardly and unconvincingly express their "relief" that the their team "doesn't have to worry about that '16-0' target on their back anymore."

“I saw that Rodgers guy at the State Farm office every day,” said some guy with a New Jersey accent and a Cheesehead foam hat. “I'm unemployed and wander around drunk all day in case someone happens to be shooting a commercial I can walk in on. And every time I walked past the window there was Rodgers, just hanging out.”

Newly signed Tiger Prince Fielder has promised the city of Detroit that he will do them proud by taking their money and rapidly decaying into an obese, ineffective eyesore before their very eyes over the nine years of his $214 million contract.

"Well, thankfully they're the same colors, I don't have to waste time shopping. Ain't nobody got time for that," said Bielema. "It's an SEC school, so who cares if they've become even more of a joke while I'm there? I'd rather be a loser in the SEC than a winner by default in the Big Ten."

"The one time I find myself rooting for Green Bay, I know they're going to tank against the Vikings Sunday just to screw the Bears," said Emmert, blissfully ignorant to the fact that a Packers win in Minneapolis solidifies a first-round bye for Green Bay.

“Sandberg ... damn, I knew it started with an ‘S’,” Epstein was overheard muttering as he strode by reporters before Friday’s game.