St. Louis

“I just couldn’t stand all those other wines,” pouted La Russa. “None of them tasted like I wanted them to. Some were too oaky, others too bitter. After a lot of crying and some pretty serious soul-searching, I decided to just start making my own wine."

“We’re really excited,” said Subway V.P. of Marketing Tom Butler. “We get to trade a spokesman who simply went from morbidly obese to normal for a spokesman who went from morbidly obese to normal and can hit a fastball.”

“The U.S. Defense Department contractor that has secretly been creating all my replacement parts and updated hitting software was having some slight issues with the hydraulic valves in the replacement wrist,” Pujols said. “Had everything gone according to plan, I would have been back much sooner so I apologize to all Cardinals fans and fans of teams hoping to sign me as a free agent next season. I’m looking at you Cubs. Seriously, call me and offer me $156 million over 10 years.”

The Blackhawks have a two-game win streak going after beating the St. Louis Blues Wednesday night 6-1. The team needs to put a good string of wins together to counter the eight-game losing streak they’re coming off of and they are on the right track.

Early Thursday morning, St. Louis Cardinals manager Tony La Russa was found asleep at the wheel by Jupiter, Fla., police. The policeman smelled alcohol and ordered the skipper of the reigning World Series champs to complete a field sobriety test. Always the strategist, La Russa tried to get out of the jam by performing two pitching changes.

JULY 15, PITTSBURGH PIRATES @ CHICAGO CUBS, WRIGLEY FIELD Things went so bad for the Pirates that even Jerry Hairston Jr. contributed to the onslaught with a grand slam (albeit off the foul pole), and then got into a heated, bench-clearing exchange with Pirate reliever Jose Mesa after his next at-bat. Of course, 39,000 suburban frat guys home for the summer left happy after the Cubs' 11-1 win, many of them singing the world’s most annoying tune. I’d appreciate the song much more if the lyrics "Go Cubs go! Go Cubs go!" were a command relating to the franchise’s geographic location. Chicagoans: There’s only room for one playoff team in this town, and we all know who it is in 2005.

"Me? I've already got my ring," said Cardinals superstar first baseman Albert Pujols. "This one's just to rile up those morons on the North Side of Chicago."