Chicago

The NFL has once again proven why it sets the gold standard for merchandising among the four major American sports leagues.

"I don't even wanna show my face when I'm on the field," said Alfonso Soriano, who usually likes the limelight, often posing after he hits a home run. "But I can't turn on the TV anymore without seeing highlights of myself falling down in the outfield or helplessly flailing at sliders in the dirt. Even all this money I make doesn't make me feel better."

"I try to go through the slide as many times as possible in five minutes," said an exhausted Brian Urlacher after reaching the bottom of the tube slide. "It's one of the most difficult workouts I've ever done. I don't know why we didn't think of this earlier."

Chicago sports fans had a blast watching the Bulls playoff run this year, but they didn’t enjoy it as much as the Cubs and White Sox. With the Bulls having done so well, all of the city's attention was on them and taken off of the lousy start for both baseball teams.

After a heart-breaking Eastern Conference Finals series defeat the the Heat, the Bulls are anxiously awaiting their chance at revenge against Miami when the NBA resumes play in three or four years from its impending labor stoppage this summer.

In each of the Bulls' last three losses to Miami, LeBron James has taken control down the stretch, hitting big shots to ice a late victory. That's not going to happen tonight, according to Bulls head coach Tom Thibodeau, who has ordered injured 12th man Brian Scalabrine to handcuff himself to the Heat superstar before Game 5 at the United Center.

Jim Hendry is tired of watching Alfonso Soriano butcher every ball that’s hit to him. To solve this problem, the Cubs GM has decided to plant a giant oak tree in left field, a move that many are already touting as the best he’s made in his career.