Jim Hendry is tired of watching Alfonso Soriano butcher every ball that’s hit to him. To solve this problem, the Cubs GM has decided to plant a giant oak tree in left field, a move that many are already touting as the best he’s made in his career.

“The tree should cover much more ground than Soriano, and I predict it will catch more balls in a game than Soriano could in a week,” said Hendry, giving his introductory press conference under the shade provided by the newest addition to the team. “I was worried this wouldn’t be allowed in the rules, but as long as we give the tree a uniform, we have the green light from MLB.”

In an effort to save his job, Soriano offered to put super glue in his glove to make the ball stick.

“But then we told him that he would have trouble getting the ball out of the glove,” said Marlon Byrd, shaking his head in embarrassment for the troubled left fielder. “I didn’t think he wasn’t the brightest guy on the team, but now I have confirmation.”

Although the tree may solve the Cubs’ defensive woes in left field, it won’t be able to do anything to help the sputtering offense.

“We just plan on taking the out,” said Mike Quade, who is used to Soriano failing to come through in key situations as it is anyways. “I mean, who are we kidding? Every pitcher in the game knows how to get the guy out. I think even Little Leaguers know how to pitch to him.”

By Michael Kloempken

Michael Kloempken