The 2011 Cubs are taking a cue from their embarrassed fans by wearing bags over their heads instead of baseball caps.

“I don’t even wanna show my face when I’m on the field,” said Alfonso Soriano, who usually likes the limelight, often posing after he hits a home run. “But I can’t turn on the TV anymore without seeing highlights of myself falling down in the outfield or helplessly flailing at sliders in the dirt. Even all this money I make doesn’t make me feel better.”

It’s gotten so bad, players have even started wearing disguises while out in public so they won’t be recognized by critical fans. Aramis Ramirez has been spotted wearing a fake beard and glasses around town, Fukudome was recently fitted for a fat suit, and Mike Quade has started wearing a wig.

“I got this giant Afro wig to wear when I go out now,” said Quade, who refused to show it off to the media. “The boom box on my shoulder has also helped add to the disguise. That way nobody will recognize me while riding the El to the ballpark in the morning.”

Jim Hendry is hoping the bags won’t exacerbate the inept play on the field, as he’s worried the bags will be uncomfortable.

“I know it can get hot out there, especially in August, and having a paper bag over your head surely won’t help in the summer heat,” said Hendry. “But we’re working with a couple different helmet suppliers to get a comfortable design for players. And then maybe this thing will start catching on, especially for baseball teams such as Pittsburgh and Houston.”

By Michael Kloempken

Michael Kloempken