Boorish Score broadcaster Dan Bernstein bolts to start SmartySports.com
“Let’s face it,” said Bernstein. “I am so much smarter than everyone that calls in and is employed by the station. I went to Duke for God's sake. How many times can you listen to knuckle scraping fans cry about Greg Walker or chortle 'Da Bears' before your brain shrinks to the size of a fig?”
Briggs traded to magical team that showers aging linebackers with cash and unicorns
Less than a week after demanding a trade because the Bears won’t restructure his contract, Lance Briggs has been shipped off to the California Dreamers, a magical team run by sports agents that grants players with existing contracts all their wishes.
Bears consider using two rows of offensive linemen to protect Cutler
Created by Mike Martz, this new formation will utilize a second row of offensive linemen, set behind the first row, to give the quarterback maximum protection.
Sox pregame video montage replaced with choir boys singing funeral hymn ‘On Eagles’ Wings’
“We’re treating September's home games as a wake/funeral for the 2011 season,” said Sox VP of marketing Brooks Boyer. “The last few seasons have ended in disappointment, and we don’t want our fans to go into the winter without having said their last goodbyes until spring."
Benny the Bull forced to work at McDonalds during NBA lockout
The lockout has hit the big red guy pretty hard in the wallet, and he was forced to gain employment elsewhere for its duration, finding a job at a McDonald's near the United Center.
Ricketts interviews Brad Pitt for vacant GM position after a sneak peak at Moneyball
Brad Pitt is known more for his movie star good looks than his talent as an actor, but he was so convincing in his role as Billy Beane in his new movie Moneyball that Tom Ricketts insisted on interviewing him for the Cubs' vacant GM position.
Struggling Dunn demoted to Comcast Fundamentals Deck
“Something had to be done,” said a downcast Williams. “His stroke is shot and we felt that hitting plastic wiffle balls off a tee with eight-year-olds might be the shock to get him back on track.”
