Less than a week after demanding a trade because the Bears won’t restructure his contract, Lance Briggs has been shipped off to the California Dreamers, a magical team run by sports agents that grants players with existing contracts all their wishes.
“It’s such a relief to be a part of the Dreamers,” said Briggs, riding atop a crystal unicorn with a brand-new $150 million check in hand. “Finally, an organization that understands contracts are meaningless. If Lance wants a raise, Lance gets a raise. If Lance wants a crystal unicorn that craps gold nuggets, then that’s what Lance gets.”
Dreamers GM Drew Rosenhaus was ecstatic to have the 30-year-old Briggs on his squad.
“The Bears are morons for thinking they could pay an aging linebacker what he’s worth,” said Rosenhaus. “On this team, we all make whatever we feel like. Hell, just yesterday I gave myself a triple-raise with three countries on top. Seriously – I gave myself Spain, Japan and Burma. I mean, why not, right?”
When asked why he would trade a solid player like Briggs, Bears GM Jerry Angelo shrugged.
“Well, gee … he demanded it,” said Angelo. “It’s not like I could just tell him to shut his mouth and play football for the next three years like his ironclad contract requires.”
By George Ellis