College football is back baby! With approximately 250 games played between Thursday and Monday evening, we’re here to boil it all down for you in just 215 words.

Coach on the cute seat: Luke Fickell, Ohio State
CIA surveillance reveals 98 percent of mothers watching the Ohio State-Akron game were heard to ask their husbands, “Who’s that cute young man coaching for Oho State?”

Equipment of the week: Shoulder pads
Shoulder pads had 9,045 unassisted tackles/986 sacks in week 1.

Loser of the week (three-way tie): Georgia uniforms, Notre Dame, Maryland uniforms
The Bulldogs’ uniforms were on the Marshall’s sale rack before the Bulldogs game Saturday vs. Boise State had even begun and No. 16 University of Notre Dame with their three-point loss to South Florida, five turnovers and two lighting delays. Many ND fans probably wish that lighting had struck struggling Irish QB Dayne Crist. And Maryland’s Under Armour experiment never should have happened.

West Coast player of the week
We don’t know, honestly, with USC on double-secret probation we don’t bother staying up for late games out west, they were the only interesting thing going on out there. But, we’ll guess and say Andrew Luck of Stanford had a good game and anoint him this prestigious honor.

Top 5 Heisman candidates
1 – Andrew Luck, QB, Stanford
2 – Trent Richardson,, RB, Alabama
3 – Barry Sanders, 1989 Oklahoma State. Somehow he’s still gaining residual yards from that epic season
4 – Landry Jones, QB, Oklahoma
5 – The actual Heisman Trophy


Patrick O. Elia