The Bears have done everything they can to protect Jay Cutler, from changing offensive linemen’s positions and adding a bigger tight end, to developing schemes trying to tie defenders’ shoe laces together and spitting in their eyes before the snap. Sadly, it’s left them with only one choice.

Much like how they revolutionized NFL offenses with the T-Formation back in the 40’s, the Bears are developing a new formation that could change the way many teams line up. Created by Mike Martz, this new formation will utilize a second row of offensive linemen, set behind the first row, to give the quarterback maximum protection.

“We need to protect our franchise quarterback, and without an extra row of linemen to help out, we just don’t think it’s possible for Jay to get through an entire season alive,” said Martz, who has a “mad scientist” reputation in the NFL. “Heck, it’s not like we score a lot of points as an offense anyway; we might as well just try to keep everyone healthy.”

The big concern is that now that there will be two rows of offensive linemen, there won’t be any spots left on the field for receivers or running backs to play and score points. But given the Bears recent history, coaches and players have brushed this off as nonsense.

The Bears under Lovie Smith have basically been playing football backwards since he was hired as the head coach. Relying on the defense and special teams to score points, they’ve managed to only use the offense to gain favorable field position instead of putting points on the board. Plus, the offense is near the bottom of the league in every offensive category anyway, so they might as well just accept the fact that they’re just serving as a defense in disguise.

“I’m excited for this formation,” said Cutler, who statistically has added ten more years to his life expectancy with this new formation. “It’s about time we realize that our offense just isn’t cut out to play offense in the NFL, and let the defense handle everything. It’s been that way for years, and it’s about time we just accept it.”

Michael Kloempken