Chicago

“I feel like I can finally pass the torch,” said Soriano. “It makes me so happy that I might even think of waiving my no trade clause now so that I can play for a contender, but probably not.”

Even though the Cubs managed to trade Dempster to the Rangers for two minor leaguers, Theo Epstein is said to be miffed by Dempster's stubbornness at nixing the Braves deal and promises to bring him back to the Cubs next season as retribution.

The Rangers created this debacle by sending Hamilton to the airport to welcome the new Ranger. Following a brief ride back from the airport, Hamilton exited the limousine wearing a Nolan Ryan jersey, spewing line after line about "letting pitchers stay in for 150 pitches" and "giving Robin Ventura a beat down."

The Cubs trade of catcher Geo Soto to the Rangers earlier this week was barely headline-worthy material for fans, but another segment of the city's population is reportedly "despondent" at the news.

In addition, blood alcohol machines have been installed at all gates. Fans who come into Wrigley with a BAC of .200 or higher will be refunded their entire ticket. This is expected to be about 35 percent of the fan base and 87 percent of the bleacher population.

As A.J. Burnett effortlessly mowed down hapless Cubs hitters at Wrigley Tuesday night, fans in attendance were mostly oblivious to the fact the Pirates starter was just four outs away from a no-hitter.

"Sure, I could have worked on my scrambling skills or some bullshit passing drills," said Cutler. "But what I really want to improve are my scowling skills. I just feel like I could have done a lot more in that department last season."