Cubs management has gotten creative in ensuring the fans at Wrigley Field will leave happy and content, especially with the craptastic product that has graced the diamond this year. Starting next homestand, all fans who enter Wrigley will be forced to buy six drink tickets to more properly forget the game altogether.

In addition, blood alcohol machines have been installed at all gates. Fans who come into Wrigley with a BAC of .200 or higher will be refunded their entire ticket. This is expected to be about 35 percent of the fan base and 87 percent of the bleacher population.

“All these options are in place to make sure fans do not remember seeing this team,” said Cubs marketing guru Wally Hayward. “This was originally going to be run as a promotion for all Chris Volstad starts, but times have gotten tough.”

Though the alcoholic fraternity, Barleycorn minded fans seem eager, Hayward is quick to point out the “Six for Sox” promotion that fateful 2002 night against the Royals.

“We have installed a new electric fence around the field that protects the base coaches,” said Hayward. “However, if some shirtless yahoo decides to pummel someone on the field, they might just forget about the 9-1 drudging the Cubs take.”

Brew Dreesus