Chicago

“Jason Collins’ announcement really hit home for me, making me realize I needed to be truthful and let my teammates and fans know that I am not who I appear to be," said Carimi. "I am not a competent football player. I am a bad football player.”

After a few weeks that saw the Chicago Cubs handle any type of ball hit in play by the opposition like the proverbial hot potato, Major League Baseball has banned the use of the word "routine" from the broadcast of any Cubs game in 2013, as it relates to a Cubs player attempting to field a batted ball.

The Cubs announced a new fee for fans who want to leave the game early. “We have always said that, if you leave, you can’t back in,” a Cubs official said, “but that’s not helping any more.

“I watched Howie on television last fall and I swear he told Jimmy Johnson he was going to re-enter the NFL draft, so when I saw he was still on the board at Number 20, I jumped at the chance to get him.”

In the days leading up to the playoffs, just one question is on Blackhawks beat writers' minds: which of the Hawks' two goaltenders will Coach Quenneville opt to play in the post-season? But for goalies Corey Crawford and Ray Emery, the controversy runs much deeper than their superb GAA numbers and save percentages.

"Come on, Bud, send them back where they belong!" Cubs chairman Tom Ricketts shouted while pounding on Commissioner Bud Selig's office door. "Please, please, PLEASE! I'll be your friend since I know you don't have any!" Ricketts pleaded as Selig hid under the desk in his locked, darkened office.

After finding themselves in the middle of the pack in most statistical categories through the first three weeks of the season, the Cubs today announced the hiring of the dad who can't throw in that Volkswagen commercial as their new pitching coach.