In the days leading up to the playoffs, just one question is on Blackhawks beat writers’ minds: which of the Hawks’ two goaltenders will Coach Quenneville opt to play in the post-season? But for goalies Corey Crawford and Ray Emery, the controversy runs much deeper than their superb GAA numbers and save percentages.

“I guess you could call me a ‘Ten Things I Hate About You’ guy,” Crawford said after the Blackhawks’ recent win against the Oilers. “But Razor, man, he’s ‘Clueless’ all the way.”

“‘Clueless’? Come on,” Emery scoffed later. “Crawford’s talking out his ass, man. It’s ‘She’s All That’ or bust.”

As a team, the Blackhawks have been trying to finish out the season smoothly and without taking many risks. But many privately admit that Crawford and Emery’s verbal sparring can take a toll on team morale.

“Yeah, they go at it,” defenseman Brent Seabrook said about the two goaltenders’ reported disagreements. “It’s all, ‘You spilled popcorn all over the settee’ and ‘Last time we played Truth or Dare you totally chickened out of kissing my Justin Timberlake poster.'” He paused. “I assume those are positioning strategies for goalies or something.”

So did the rest of the team, in fact, until a recent locker room argument got so impassioned that Crawford reportedly threatened to “knock the feathers out of Emery,” at which point team captain Jonathan Toews finally felt compelled to step in.

“I told ’em, ‘You put the team first and the Vezina second,'” said Toews, frowning. “‘It’s not worth either of you getting injured.'”

“We didn’t see the big deal,” said Emery. “I mean, yeah, Crow’s got a wicked arm on him, but we’re hockey players. I’m not thinking Crawford’s cheap-ass IKEA pillows are gonna do that much damage.”

“Razor’s just jealous because his stupid zebra-print jammies aren’t as snuggly as my flannel ones,” Crawford said. “And you can quote me on that.”

At press time, both goaltenders were engaged in heated debate over who was better at french braiding teammates’ sick flow. Toews and Seabrook could not be reached for further comment.

Kate Conway