The Cubs announced a new fee for fans who want to leave the game early. “We have always said that, if you leave, you can’t back in,” a Cubs official said, “but that’s not helping any more. Those guys are playing so bad, either the games are over by the fifth inning or the fans can’t take the errors and lack of hitting anymore. They’re streaming out by the sixth inning.”

Management from the baseball side agreed with the new policy. A person heard humming “Sweet Caroline” said “Selling beer and hotdogs is how we are going to afford free agents in the future. If people don’t stay in the park and buy food, we’re going to get stuck just picking up people that other teams cut. Like we are now.”

A member of management who declined to be identified said, “If we don’t start selling more bison dogs, Dad is going to get really mad. He may make me sell the team. Then what am I going to do? It’s not like I know how to do a real job.”

In a related announcement, the Cubs announced that the upper deck will be closed after the fifth inning of every game. “It’s a safety issue. We’re amazed nobody has jumped so far. Our luck can’t continue.”

Pat Allen