Inspired by the first professional athlete to come out as gay, Chicago Bears offensive lineman Gabe Carimi has become the first professional athlete to come out as bad.

“Jason Collins’ announcement really hit home for me, making me realize I needed to be truthful and let my teammates and fans know that I am not who I appear to be,” said Carimi. “I am not a competent football player. I am a bad football player.”

After hearing their teammate admit to being bad, multiple Bears stood behind Carimi and vouched that he indeed was bad.

“Because of his penalties and the number of times his man sacked me, I kind of suspected he was bad, but it’s good to receive confirmation from him,” quarterback Jay Cutler. “This doesn’t change how I feel about him.”

In a perhaps related story, 16 members of the Chicago Cubs have scheduled a press conference after learning of Carimi’s news.

A. Waite