Chicago

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Looking to capitalize on their recent turn in the headlines, UFC President Dana White has announced that USA Women’s Soccer Goalie Hope Solo as well as unlicensed Cubs mascot Billy the Cub will be headlining "UFC 174 A Bone crushing Breakdown in the Detroit is for Lovers MetroLink Subaru Station Wagon Mini-van Stadium."

There was no corner office or cubicle space awaiting Manny Ramirez when he arrived in Des Moines’ Principal Park Thursday, where he began his tenure as a player/coach with the Iowa Cubs. Instead, team personnel prepared a bathroom stall in the home team clubhouse for Ramirez to set up shop.

“The owners could have made at least one unreasonable demand,” Bettman was overheard lamenting to a confidant. “Otherwise what am I doing here? All I’ve got is this cheap suit and my idea to dot the greater southwestern desert with unprofitable teams.”

Best known at Wrigley for their late-inning dive-bombing in the bleachers, where they scarf up leftover pretzels, hotdog buns, pizza crusts and whatever else they can muster up, the gulls said they'll now set their sights on still undetermined greener pastures.

The memo stated that anyone under this plan would be given a 2001 Camaro. Traveling north of Chicago Avenue would be discouraged. Only the Chicago Sun-Times is to be read and any online communication is to be communicated through issued AOL accounts. All witnesses would be given residences in the Beverly or Mt. Greenwood neighborhoods.

Stealing a page from the old Baltimore Colts, who quickly packed their bags and took off in U-Hauls for Indianapolis in the middle of the night, the Cubs stole away to Schaumburg during the wee hours of the morning Friday. They left a note signed by Tom Ricketts in their "Little League" locker room in Wrigley Field that only said, "We'll call you."