There was no corner office or cubicle space awaiting Manny Ramirez when he arrived in Des Moines’ Principal Park Thursday, where he began his tenure as a player/coach with the Iowa Cubs. Instead, team personnel prepared a bathroom stall in the home team clubhouse for Ramirez to set up shop.

“I still like to hit the home run,” said Ramirez. “I will make sure that my new teammates also hit the home run.”

Cubs President Theo Epstein is staking his choir boy reputation by bringing in the admitted PED abuser to help tutor young sluggers such as Javier Baez and Kris Bryant.

“When I was in Boston, all I kept hearing was what a great teammate Manny was to everyone,” said Epstein. “And I never saw first-hand any raging back acne or shriveled testicles, so I think the dude has always been clean.”

Jeremy Barewin