Fresh off pitching his second career no-hitter, San Francisco ace Tim Lincecum has a special message for children all across America. You can do anything you want to in life, if you just get high. The veteran Giants pitcher, a two-time Cy Young Award Winner, as well as a two-time World Series Champion, wants everybody to know that success is yours for the taking if you work incredibly hard, and you’re down with the sticky icky.

Directly after no-hitting the San Diego Padres for the second time in the span of 12 months, Lincecum spoke to the assembled media.

“I can’t express how great it feels to throw my second career no-hitter,” said Lincecum. “I’d especially like to thank the people that helped me along the way, namely my teammates, my coaches and the guys at 420 Farmacy in Boulder who scored me a nickel bag of Black Bart’s Acapulco Woodbine right after I had just run out of Mystic Mountain Schnozzberry Kush.”

When pressed further about what it took to no-hit the Padres for the second time in his career, Lincecum explained “All you kids out there, anything is possible with some hard work, tenacity and a little bit of Pakistani Black Mary Jane. It’s pitch, pitch give, pitch pitch give. Otherwise you messin’ with the starting rotation.”

Although he didn’t want to look too far ahead, Lincecum remained confident that he would have another strong outing, so long as his dealer Sampson wasn’t late with his scheduled shipment of Chocolate Thai Coco Puff Jive Stick Giggles.

Universally praised for his strong outing, it seemed that the only criticism of Lincecum’s performance came from teammates of former Pirates starter Dock Ellis, who pointed out that back in their day you had to throw your no-hitters on full-blown acid, not just a little bit of weed.