Looking to capitalize on their recent turn in the headlines, UFC President Dana White has announced that USA Women’s Soccer Goalie Hope Solo as well as unlicensed Cubs mascot Billy the Cub will be headlining “UFC 174: A Bone-crushing Breakdown in the Detroit is for Lovers MetroLink Subaru Station Wagon Minivan Stadium.”
Hope Solo was recently arrested after a physical altercation with two family members that left them so traumatized you can actually hear them in the 911 call saying “Hope Solo is acting like a god-damn psychotic.” Whereas most people would be put off by this sort of behavior, an ever opportunistic Dana White saw this as the perfect fight to deliver to the highbrow fans of mixed martial arts, people who are no stranger to fighting with their own family members.
As for Billy the Cub, he was hired after White saw video of him punching a man at a Wrigleyville bar after the bar patron tried to remove Billy Cub’s head, presumably after having a few too many South Side Boilermakers (a shot of Old Crow dropped into a ripped-open can of Old Style). For White, seeing that this was a one-punch knockdown made total sense.
Billy the Cub will go ahead of Solo in the program, fighting his way out of a replica version of Sluggers during a simulated day game two-for-one happy hour, all while trying to avoid a copyright infringement cease and desist lawsuit. Afterward, Solo will be featured in the main event, a reverse double tap out ground and pound armbar submission event versus members of her extended family. If any of them can make it out of the steel cage death match alive, then White will pay the processing fees for them to finally get a restraining order against Solo.