In a breaking memo leaked to Reuters, President Obama is considering turning witnesses of the U.S. Federal Witness Protection Program into Chicago White Sox season ticket holders.
Obama, the most avid, and only high profile White Sox fan, stated that no one visits U.S. Cellular Field anyway. The memo mentions that Obama believes even he wouldn’t need security if he went to a game. “There’s no one there.”
In the memo, Obama claims the situation as “win-win” since the White Sox attendance can increase, albeit inconsequentially, while protecting the identity of the witnesses.
“Both parties need all the help they can get,” he said. “Besides, who’s traveling to that dump anyways? I don’t think Rahm [Emanuel] even knows there is a south side to the city.”
The memo stated that anyone under this plan would be given a 2001 Camaro. Traveling north of Chicago Avenue would be discouraged. Only the Chicago Sun-Times is to be read and any online communication is to be communicated through issued AOL accounts. All witnesses would be given residences in the Beverly or Mt. Greenwood neighborhoods.
To change the physical appearance of the men, buzzcuts are arranged. Each man would then reference a recent St. Baldrick’s charity event at the local Catholic high school. Women would be instructed to wear their hair in ponytails with scrunchies. Baseball caps and anything related to the Chicago Blackhawks gear, for either gender, would be desirable.
Should a conversation occur, each witness was given specific information regarding south side topics such as brats, cook county taxes, and Paulie.
White Sox manager Robin Ventura is even cited in the memo. “Well this makes sense. I probably fill out the lineup card with some of these people. Come to think of it, that sure would explain the whole Gordon Beckham thing.”