Chicago

"Goats are notoriously fickle animals," he said. "They'll climb fences, plot escapes and, of course, place hexes on professional sports teams. Well, the other day, Lilo was just grazing on some grass when he looked up and said, 'the Cubs curse is over, starting next year.' I nearly soiled myself!"

According to the consensus opinion of five friends drinking late Friday night at the Gold Coast staple, The Hangge Uppe, the Chicago Bears have all the pieces to win the Super Bowl this season and will unquestionably do so.

"While the Dallas Cowboys and Oakland Raiders both have rabid fan bases and plenty of experience as franchises, the other bubble teams just look a bit more relevant heading into the season," said NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell.

The newly verbose voice is now equipped with many phrases, such as "Can you tie a hundred-dollar bill to a rock and throw it up to me?" and "Do you want to impress that girl with your throwing arm, or what?"

"The entire city of Chicago has been captivated and awe-struck by the level of dedication, sportsmanship and talent that Jackie Robinson West displayed throughout this year's Little League World Series tournament," said Cubs President Theo Epstein. "We can only hope they can bring that spark and winning history as the newest, and youngest, members of the Chicago Cubs."

"We waved and smiled," said Cubs first baseman Anthony Rizzo. "But they all looked so sad, as if they were going in the wrong direction or something."

"We knew this day would come. I was telling Tony [Perma-Seal technician], you watch the phone's gonna ring," said Perma-Seal rep Tom Surma. "It's like we tell all our clients, you can't deal with amateurs. Theo called on Thursday and we discussed a bundled price. We can work package deals."