Cubs

"It was Denis Savard," said one Cubs fan, wiping a tear from her eye. "He sang 'take me out to the ballgame' during the 7th Inning Stretch. He opened our eyes and made us see what was really important in this world. Not this simple game between two mediocre baseball teams, but the Stanley Cup! It's really all about the Cup!"

The Chicago Crosstown Classic series opened Monday concurrent with a critical Blackhawks-Red Wings Game 6, and Chicago sports fans remained unaware of Jeff Samardzija's accomplishment as they were glued to their televisions everywhere watching the showdown between the Blackhawks and the Red Wings.

“He can’t do any worse than what we got now,” manager Dale Sveum said after learning the 6’6”, 235-lb. right-hander would be joining his team. “Besides, ‘Feldmania’ is over, so why not try something new?”

“Finally!” admitted a Bud Light spokesperson. “Do you know how many couples we had planted in those bleachers dumping beer on each other? It’s about time those WGN-TV cameras finally caught it live. What on earth have they been filming instead?”

“Feldmania” continues to rage like Barry Bonds after a bad PED injection (allegedly, of course, we have no proof) as Scott Feldman won his fourth straight start Saturday.

“Ever since I played for Italy in the World Baseball Classic and got rides to and from games and practices on the back of my teammates’ Vespas, I have been looking forward to the day where I could purchase my own," said Rizzo. "Thanks to the new contract, today is that wonderful day.”

The key to the team's success is obviously derived from starting pitchers able to scientifically harness beard power and apply toward ERA/WHIP and velocity.