Record: 4-2 vs. good teams!!!! (1-0 vs. Texas, 1-1 vs. St. Louis and 2-1 vs. Washington)

The North Side Nine had their best week of the season, to the delight of many. The baby bears started the week off with a one-game sweep of the first place Rangers, then split two with their friends from St. Louis (also running #1 in their division) and finally took two out of three in Washington vs. the second place Nationals. It’s hard to sleep waiting to see how high the Cubs climb in the weekly ESPN power rankings. One would assume they’ll move up to second or third.

The key to the team’s success is obviously derived from starting pitchers able to scientifically harness beard power and apply toward ERA/WHIP and velocity. Skipper Dale Sveum has ordered Edwin Jackson (6.02 ERA) and Jeff Samardzija (3.70 ERA) to start growing facial follicles (in hopes they’ll start to fit in with the rest of the stingy, scruffy staff: Travis Wood (2.33 ERA), Scott Feldman (2.53 ERA) and Carlos Villanueva (3.02 ERA).

Jackson (currently beardless) did actually pick up his first win of the season Saturday vs. the Nats, a game in which he also doubled in two runs.

The bullpen feel-good story of the year also continued as Kevin Gregg (currently beardless) picked up two saves and struck out five of the nine hitters he faced while maintaining his 0.00 ERA. Amazing for a washed-up has been with no beard.

MVP: Anthony Rizzo – Baby faced big boy hit .440 (11 for 25) and drove in seven runs. He’s threatening to lead the Cubs in batting average, homers, RBI, tackles, three-pointers, field goal percentage, assists and Oscar nominations.

LVP” Darwin Barney – The fundamentally-sound defensive spark plug at second base was the opposite of Ryne Sandberg at the plate (2 for 16 for a .125 average). It’s OK to boo him come Monday everybody, don’t let him slide ‘cuz he’s sooooo adorable.

Ask the Magic 8-Ball: Do the other teams in the N.L. Central even have a prayer of staying in front of the juggernaut that is the Cubs?

Magic 8-Ball says: My sources say “no”

Patrick O. Elia