Cubs

"I've seen [Girardi] everywhere around here," Sveum said. "Across the street from Wrigley at McDonald's, looking at a couple houses in the area that are for sale, and also at the bar I frequent to drown my sorrows after another loss."

Drinks and food are included in the price of the party ticket. A special raffle will be held with Gregg memorabilia as the prizes, including the pitcher’s signature goggles and several pieces of game-used chewing gum.

“Why not Saban?” a source close to the team said. “Cubs management already said they won’t sign any expensive free agents in the off-season. With the pile of goo we have coming back next year, Saban would be just as good as any of them.”

“Once Gunnison draws his last breath, around late January to early March, he will enter that cocoon known as the afterlife, or deathtime,” said Dr. Mudder, a specialist. “This period in Gunnison’s nonexistence is expected to last long enough for the Cubs to win as many as 10 World Series championships, even if it's not for like another 200 years.”

Multiple reports show that the squad that plays most often at Wrigley Field wears white and blue, and after each game, per tradition, they hoist a large flag with the letter "L" over the stadium. This "L" possibly stands for the name of this unusual sport, but that is simply speculation.

The season kicks off on April 4 at Wrigley Field against Horner Park Little League BLUE followed by a three game series with Horner Park Little League RED. The club’s first road trip takes them to Schaumburg to face the Renegades, who won the Northwest Suburban League in 2013 with a record of 55-2.

Tensions spilled over during Sunday's Cubs-Brewers game in the fifth inning when a large group of knife wielding rats decided to have a rumble with their arch nemesis the Wrigley seagulls.