Cubs

"This sort of thing never happened in the land of corn and beefy people," said Wada, referring apparently to Iowa. "The players there, they are good. They don't let things like this happen."

The Cubs have dealt the player to be named later from the Oakland A’s in the Jeff Samardzija-Jason Hammel trade to the Incheon SK Wyverns of the Korea Professional League.

"We trade two tapioca puddings for ... wait, I mean two solid starters for another shortstop prospect?" asked Benson as he somewhat feebly shook his fist. "That's a two-year plan at best! I don't have that kind of time!"

Iowa Cubs honorary bat boy Chase Fahey thought the best day of his life was when he threw out the first pitch at Principal Park and handed uber-prospects Kris Bryant and Javier Beaz bats before they headed to the on deck circle this week. One Cubs fan thinks that one day was just a sample size of what’s to come.

Looking to capitalize on their recent turn in the headlines, UFC President Dana White has announced that USA Women’s Soccer Goalie Hope Solo as well as unlicensed Cubs mascot Billy the Cub will be headlining "UFC 174 A Bone crushing Breakdown in the Detroit is for Lovers MetroLink Subaru Station Wagon Mini-van Stadium."

There was no corner office or cubicle space awaiting Manny Ramirez when he arrived in Des Moines’ Principal Park Thursday, where he began his tenure as a player/coach with the Iowa Cubs. Instead, team personnel prepared a bathroom stall in the home team clubhouse for Ramirez to set up shop.

Best known at Wrigley for their late-inning dive-bombing in the bleachers, where they scarf up leftover pretzels, hotdog buns, pizza crusts and whatever else they can muster up, the gulls said they'll now set their sights on still undetermined greener pastures.