The Chicago Cubs traded pitchers Jeff Samardzija and Jason Hammel to the Oakland A’s on Friday, prompting lifelong Cubs fan and 105-year-old nursing home resident William Benson to finally admit the team may not win a World Series before he “leaves this mortal coil.”
“We trade two tapioca puddings for … wait, I mean two solid starters for another shortstop prospect?” asked Benson as he somewhat feebly shook his fist. “That’s a three-year plan at best! I don’t have that kind of time!”
Benson, who was born just six months after the Cubs won their last World Series in 1908, always assumed he would live to see his hometown Cubbies win it all. When he was 7, the Cubs were still a relative juggernaut and another title seemed inevitable. Some lean years set in, but then came 1969. Surely they’d win it, he figured.
“Stupid Mets,” Benson recalled. “Miracle, my ass. That team was a bunch of bums.”
Even when he was 75, Benson thought it was bound to happen eventually.
“I figured, hey, I’ve probably got another decade in me at least,” he recalled. “But I’ve had three damn decades and now the latest rebuilding is taking forever. This Theo kid has no respect for the long-suffering fan. What good does a great farm system do me? I grew up on a farm, and, uh, well the point is I need to go to sleep now. It’s 5:45 p.m.”