Cubs

"We're talking about a team that's lost more than 90 games a season for the last five years. Does anyone really want to watch these guys play baseball?" said rooftop owners' spokesperson Michael Fielder. "Everyone just comes here for the party, not the baseball, so that's what we'll give them."

Built as a long-awaited expansion in 2006, Wrigley's bleachers were structurally sound and clean, which is why the Cubs said they needed to be destroyed.

While Bernabe wouldn't quote exact figures, sources knowledgeable with the deal are indicating that Bryant will be paid upwards of $300,000 during the contract, or roughly $42,857 per year, which is two-and-a-half times what the average Minor League player makes.

"At one point this season, our starting lineup had six guys batting .220 or lower and somehow we came within eight wins of a .500 year. Is that not good for anything?"

"Goats are notoriously fickle animals," he said. "They'll climb fences, plot escapes and, of course, place hexes on professional sports teams. Well, the other day, Lilo was just grazing on some grass when he looked up and said, 'the Cubs curse is over, starting next year.' I nearly soiled myself!"

The newly verbose voice is now equipped with many phrases, such as "Can you tie a hundred-dollar bill to a rock and throw it up to me?" and "Do you want to impress that girl with your throwing arm, or what?"

"The entire city of Chicago has been captivated and awe-struck by the level of dedication, sportsmanship and talent that Jackie Robinson West displayed throughout this year's Little League World Series tournament," said Cubs President Theo Epstein. "We can only hope they can bring that spark and winning history as the newest, and youngest, members of the Chicago Cubs."