Cubs

The Cubs made national headlines Friday by announcing the hiring of Joe Maddon, whose Tampa Bay Rays won 77 games in 2014, three more than the lowly North Siders.

A well-rested Tom Ricketts returned from a week in the Caribbean this morning shocked to find his stadium's famed bleachers had been torn down. "That wasn't part of the plan at all," said Ricketts. "I...

"I'd be the first to admit I goofed here," a bashful Epstein told reporters. "But can you blame me? Everyone wanted me to hire the grey-haired, 2-time AL Manager of the Year award winner who formerly coached the Tampa Bay Rays, and that's what I hired today! Apparently, from the reports I've been reading, everyone expected me to hire Maddon, instead."

The former Tampa Bay Rays manager, who recently opted out of his contract with the club, is lead singer and bass player for the band he formed last year with ex-MLB skippers Jim Leyland and Rene Lacheman.

“As soon as we heard Madden was available, we grabbed him up,” beamed Cubs President Theo Epstein. “We were shocked to hear that he opted out of his contract with Ace Hardware, but I’m proud of how this baseball organization pulled together and executed so quickly to get him.”

"Our goal first and foremost is that World Series championship. I have to say though it's pretty cool to bring the fans [Bruce] Springsteen, Pearl Jam and Billy Joel. The added revenue from these outdoor concerts would really boost the Cubs bottom line. Maybe having Taylor Swift play here a few weekends would help us afford Max Scherzer. Fans wouldn't be complaining then."

The renovations of Wrigley Field hit another snag early Friday morning with Todd "Bubba" Ricketts was found passed out on a pile of construction rubble at the job site. Work is expected to resume Friday afternoon when construction workers expect Ricketts will be sober enough to muster the strength required to leave on his own power.