Continuing on their recent tear of remarkable acquisitions, the Chicago Cubs today hired legendary pro football Hall of Famer John Madden as manager. Madden replaces Rick Renteria, whose managerial career with the Cubs lasted just one year.

“As soon as we heard Madden was available, we grabbed him up,” beamed Cubs President Theo Epstein. “We were shocked to hear that he opted out of his contract with Ace Hardware, but I’m proud of how this baseball organization pulled together and executed so quickly to get him.”

When asked if Madden might not be the optimal fit for the team, Epstein shook his head.

“That’s nonsense. Sure we’ll have to travel by bus now to all our away games, keep the clubhouse stocked with roasted turkey legs, and watch Frank Caliendo move back to Chicago and rake in the dough. But those are minor considerations. Our new Madden MLB video game rights alone will allow us to buy every last rooftop building on the block.”

When asked if the Cubs ever considered hiring two-time AL manager of the year and recent Tampa Bay Rays skipper Joe Maddon, Epstein laughed out loud. “You guys are kidding, right? Never.”