Cubs

After an initial announcement stating that they had signed the team's newest ace starting pitcher, the Cubs sheepishly announced that the team has not in fact sign Jon Lester, but instead signed a six-year,...

"Those are just the baseline expectations," said Cubs President Theo Epstein. "He could do much, much better than that. We'll just have to wait and see."

Sources within the Bureau are confirming that a pantsless mystery figure approached the epicenter of the convention, The Furmuda Triangle, and after putting down his Chocolate Malt Cups and DVD copy of Rookie of the Year, set-off the stinkbomb. According to several reports, the devastation was simply UnFurgettable.

"You know, all we need is the 49ers, Seahawks, and Lions to lose every game while the Bears finish the season undefeated," said Richardson. "And hoping that Minnesota, New Orleans, and St. Louis all lose more than one game as well, and we're talking six seed here. I don't know, I think our boys have got it in them!"

“Since we haven’t won at home in quite a few years, we’ll try anything to win,” said Kenney. “That includes an attempt to freeze the Cardinals into losing.”

“Prior and Wood are great Chicago sports ambassadors and most importantly they knew how to milk phantom injuries for two to three years at a time while padding their bank accounts,” said Reggie Rose. “We are hoping to establish a similar plan for Derrick to assure that he can attend his kids' PTO meetings relatively pain free when they get older.”

"I'm going to do my damnedest to make sure that Chicago team never wins a championship," spewed a defiant Renteria. "Liars. Plain and simple. I got jobbed and everyone knows it. You better hope you can handle a bit of voodoo, Theo."