This weekend, the annual gathering of Furries in Chicago, better known as FurryCon, was disrupted when an unknown assailant detonated a chlorine gas bomb that caused minor burns to all the freaky sideshow people in attendance. Thankfully, there were no serious injuries. Most importantly, the FBI thinks they have their man, or rather, their adorable mascot.
Sources within the Bureau are confirming that a pantsless mystery figure approached the epicenter of the convention, The Furmuda Triangle, and after putting down his Chocolate Malt Cups and DVD copy of Rookie of the Year, set-off the stinkbomb. According to several reports, the devastation was simply UnFurgettable. Then, the mascot raced past celebrity guests JenniFur Garner and Furginia Wolf before anybody could get a hold of him or his slender-fit Ryne Sandberg replica jersey.
In addition to running a dragnet for Clark The Cub, the FBI is currently investigating other mascots who may have also been involved, including the UC Santa Cruz Banana Slug, everyone who has suited up as Benny the Bull, and The Indian at Washington Redskins games who cries every time one of their quarterbacks gets thrown on the ground.
Meanwhile, members of Clark’s posse aren’t saying anything. The Berenstein Bears are holed up in their tree house, Paddington is talking to his marmalade supplier so he can get a stronger dose and Winnie the Pooh is out protesting against Christopher Robbins’ aggressive hugging tactics.
As of press time, the City of Chicago is urging you to be on the lookout if you see a creepy adorable Bear Cub anywhere in the furrounding area, and please avoid all Cubs games, at least until they get some decent starting pitching.