Carl Weathers, master thespian and former Oakland Raider, watches every NFL game from his man cave to compile his weekly Power Rankings exclusively for Heckler readers. Mr. Weathers, despite playing only eight NFL games, was elected to the Pro Football Hall of Fame in 1980.
10 – Philadelphia Eagles A puzzling pummeling at home by Seattle leaves this analyst perplexed. Philly phanatics might be focused on the possible return of Nick Foles as Mark Sanchez only throws for 96 yards in the 24-14 defeat (while also getting sacked 3 times). Here we don’t go?!?
9 – Arizona Cardinals Just call ‘em Stanton’s Survivors. “Dancin’” Drew throws for 239, felt fine and tossed game-winning TD with 2 minutes left to tame K.C. 17-14 in a desert duel so dry I finished off a case of beer just watching the highlights. Cards Red Dread “D” sacked Alex Smith 6 times!
8 – Dallas Cowboys Dallas deep-sixed deep dish devotees, devouring the Bears 42-28 in the Windy City! “Tippy Toes” Tony Romo connected for 3 TDs (2 to Cole Beasley) while DeMarco Murray road-grated Chicago’s run defense with 179 yards and a score.
7 – Indianapolis Colts Blue N’ White was tight! Just call him Andrew the Fortunate, Luck overcomes 2 turnover touchdowns by the Browns, tosses last-minute touchdown to T.Y. Hilton (150 yards/2 TDs) to complete 25-24 Colt-back.
6 – Detroit Lions It was a Ford Field frolic for the second straight week as the Lions stomped the Bucs 34-17. Detroit’s Suh-per “D” forces 3 turnovers and sacked Josh McCown so far into the ground his body was recovered in China! Pow! “Master Blaster Megatron” Calvin Johnson lit up the Tampa Few for 158 yards and a score.
5 – Seattle Seahawks Richard Sherman’s northwest night hawks travel to cheesesteak central and slam the Eagles 24-14. The NFC west wildmen were led by “Rollin” Russell Wilson who dual-threatened Philly to the tune of 313 total yards and 2 TDs (1 rush).
4 – Denver Broncos Ground bound Broncos pounded Bills 24-17 in the stadium 5,280 feet above sea level. That’s some knowledge, chumps! Peyton played poorly with only 173 yards passing/2 Eli-ceptions but C.J. Anderson ran in 3 short scores and Orange Crush juiced Buffalo QB Kyle Orton 4 times.
3 – New England Patriots The Boys of Bill blasted Chargers once again as Belichick & Tom Brady improve to 6-0 all-time vs. Phillip Rivers. The San Diego siesta was close for awhile before Brady (317 yards/2 TDs) hit Julian Edelman for a 69-yard score to clinch the 23-14 bout.
2 – Green Bay Packers Monday Night Maul! Packers win a steel cage death match with Atlanta 43-37, I wish ESPN would have had “Mean” Gene Okerlund in the booth instead of Mike Tirico. Aaron Rodgers (327 yards/3 TDs) barely outduels this week’s Master of Disaster Julio Jones, who shredded the Swiss cheesey Pack secondary for 259 yards on 11 catches/1 TD.
1 – Oakland Raiders Champs of the bay! Champs of the bay, baby! If O.Co Coliseum is a rockin’ the 49ers are takin’ a knockin’! “Dashing” Derek Carr leads the Silver & Black to a 24-13 smack San Fran downer, throwing for 254 yards and 3 TDs (one to lineman Donald Penn on the ole tackle eligible). Back in Black, mac!
Program note – The December 14th edition of the untelevised NFL pregame show starring myself and Marv Levy (henceforth to be known as The Marv Springer Show) will feature NFL defensive backs paternity tests. First up: Arizona’s Antonio Cromartie!