In a surprise development last week, the Chicago Cubs unceremoniously dumped popular skipper Rick Renteria in favor of two-time AL Manager of the Year, Joe Maddon. Apparently the divorce was not as amicable as Theo Epstein stated.
“I’m going to do my damnedest to make sure that Chicago team never wins a championship,” spewed a defiant Renteria. “Liars. Plain and simple. I got jobbed and everyone knows it. You better hope you can handle a bit of voodoo, Theo.”
Renteria supposedly flew to an undisclosed location in the jungle of Mexico where the Mayans once reigned. He is known to be an erudite scholar of the Mayan culture and occult. Additionally, Renteria has many connections to Mexico, as he was manager of the Mexican team at the World Baseball Classic in 2013.
“Let’s just say I know ‘people’ down here,” added Renteria. “I’m working with the guy who put the curse on Tiger [Woods]. This curse is gonna make five outs away, Leon Durham and the Billy Goat seem like a blister. Vengeance will be mine! Be afraid, Chicago! Very afraid!”
After the curse was executed, Renteria, sporting black rimmed glasses, began laughing and shouting nonsensical phrases such as, “It has begun, Dusty.”
In a follow up interview, Epstein stated, “We wish Rick nothing but the best in the future. Also there is no such thing as a curse.”
Epstein made these comments while displaying noticeable and seemingly uncontrollable facial tics.