Carl Weathers, master thespian and former Oakland Raider, watches every NFL game from his man cave to compile his weekly Power Rankings exclusively for Heckler readers. Mr. Weathers, despite playing only eight career NFL games, was elected to the Pro Football Hall of Fame in 1980.

10 – Dallas Cowboys No Romo? Oh no-mo! America’s Team punched out at home by the Cardinals 28-17 in a stinker so foul their fair weather fans take off their Emmitt Smith jerseys and put on their Steeler jerseys as…
9 – Pittsburgh Steelers … “Big” Ben Roethlisberger tosses 6 TD passes for the second straight game in 43-23 Raven rousting. The Three Rivers Throwman earns his second straight Master of Disaster award as he torches a top 10 defense the second straight week.
8 – Indianapolis Colts Luck it in, Andrew will throw for 300 yards in every game he plays! He also tosses 4 TD passes in 40-24 Colts Eli-mination of the Giants. Coupled with Peyton’s loss Sunday, I’m sure Archie Manning had to change his phone number to avoid hearing his boys blubber on the phone. Here we go!
7 – Denver Broncos Manning & his Mile High Mates neutered by New England, Peyton looked like he was high on peyote as he’s once again outclassed by Belichick & Brady. “Easy” Emanuel Sanders snakes through the Pats “D” for 151 receiving yards, so there’s that.
6 – Detroit Lions (Bye) The NFC North first place Pride of the Motor City uses the week off to lick their wounds and get healthy for a second half charge from Green Bay. Ndamukong Suh won the team Halloween costume contest, dressing as a giant mime.
5 – Cincinnati Bengals Cin City Cats jack up the Jags 33-23 behind rookie Jeremy Hill’s 154-yard rush job (including 2 TDs). Game was as sloppy as a spilled spit bucket, interceptions all over the ring.
4 – Philadelphia Eagles Kelly’s commandos win Lone Star showdown vs. Texans 31-21 despite losing Nick Foles to injury and turning to Mark Sanchez. Jeremy “Mad” Maclin massacres Houston’s secondary with 158 yards and 2 TDs, no butts about it!
3 – New England Patriots New England does not stand pat after last week’s Bear beat-down, crush Denver like a can of Orange Fanta, 43-21. Tom Brady again bests Peyton Manning (11-5 career record, 10 times more handsome), throwing for 333 yards and 4 TDs. Gronk smash!!!!!
2 – Arizona Cardinals Deadly dessert flowers flog Dallas 28-17 in Big “D”, melt Jerry Jones’ face! “Chargin’” Carson Palmer throws for 3 scores while his defense holds DeMarco Murray under 100 yards for the first time all year.
1 – Oakland Raiders Raider rally falls short in the city of rain. Silver & Black block a punt & return it for a score but last-second onside kick goes to Seattle to seal the upset. Derek Carr fires 2 TD strikes while our dominant “D” exfoliates Russell Wilson (179 yards and no TD passes).

Program note – The November 9th edition of the untelevised NFL pregame show starring myself and Marv Levy will be long on personality and short on analysis. We will take some selfies to annoy J.J. Watt, look back on the exciting first 8 games of Johnny Football’s career and make football cookies!

Patrick O. Elia