Cubs

“I just couldn’t get any good wood on the ball,” lamented Patterson. “Any wood at all for that matter.”

“We have the premier manager in all the game in Joe Maddon, we signed a three-time World Series champion in Jon Lester, and our Spring Training facility is the best in all of MLB,” said Ricketts. “To top it off, Edwin Jackson will rebound in 2015 to win 25 games and take home Cy Young Award honors.”

"When they told me I would be a central piece of the team's rebuilding project, I thought 'sure, I'll do my best to bring a winning attitude,'" said the former Red Sox ace. "It came as a complete shock when [GM Theo] Epstein handed me the keys to a bulldozer and told me to get to work."

"What am I gonna do, say no?" Maddon asked. "A guy from Des Moines wanted me to buy him a couple beers, so I said 'sure, drinks on me.' Next thing I know word spread throughout the whole hotel that I was buying for everyone. I guess this is why I can only afford to live in an RV."

"This really is a unique moment in history for the team," Cubs President Theo Epstein said. "For many years we've had special celebrations for rosters that achieved dubious distinctions, such as almost winning the pennant or division, or gaining a Wild Card berth. This time we can actually add the words 'World Series' to the pin."

“It’s quite obvious that the Sporting News isn’t intelligent for picking the Cubs to win it all,” Chambliss said. “Luis Valbuena at third base, a bullpen that’s shakier than a Derrick Rose jump shot, and the windmill known as Javier Baez?"

Standing behind a large "Mission Accomplished" banner, Rauner outlined how the new "Lester Clause" he plans to add to the state's tax code will shore up the multibillion dollar budget shortfall by 2020.