Cubs

New Cubs manager Dale Sveum has promised to change the culture of the Lovable Losers by attempting to get the club back to fundamentals. While one might think this means simple fielding, listening and hustling plays, Sveum has come up with an extremely original idea regarding the fundamentally inept left fielder Alfonso Soriano.

“We believe that ‘Chicago Cubs 2012: Sink or Sveum’ perfectly captures the low expectations everyone has for this team moving forward,” said Director of Marketing Floyd Roxton. “Dale won’t have any idea what hit him when Zambrano melts down in a meaningless Spring Training game, and balls start bouncing off Soriano’s head.”

Dale Sveum managed the Brewers for the final 12 games of 2008 and helped them secure their first playoff berth since 1982, but that wasn’t good enough for Milwaukee, who refused to bring Sveum back as skipper for 2009. Now word is that the Cubs have made an offer to Sveum for their managerial vacancy.

Former Red Sox skipper Terry Francona has announced he will not manage a team next season, as the only available job left is with the Chicago Cubs.

“C’mon, man! I’ll totally undermine all your efforts if you just give me a chance!” Zambrano shouted during their recent meeting. “You’ve never known shame like the kind I can bring you!”

After stating the Cubs managerial pool was set, the team has slated yet another interview, this time with the ghost of Sparky Anderson. Anderson, who currently sits at 2,194 career wins and three World Series titles, could not be reached for comment, mainly because he died in 2010.

"Would I like to be managing the Chicago Cubs? Of course I would," Sandberg told reporters. "But there are other things I can do to help the team. I can sell booze, read tickets or valet park. I'm just waiting for the call."