Cubs

2011 was quite an eventful year in the world of unbelievable sports news, but given The Heckler's list of top 10 posts during the year, it's pretty clear our audience cared mostly about ripping on people from Indiana, Jay Cutler and sex.

"Apparently Mr. Epstein felt as though he had run out of options to rid the Cubs of the $54 million they still have committed to Mr. Soriano over the next three seasons," said Chicago FD inspector Frank Stanton. "In what can be best described as desperate hysteria, Mr. Epstein believed lighting all 500 pages of Mr. Soriano's contract would somehow void the deal."

Former Cubs GM Jim Hendry -- down-and-out and reportedly "extremely" intoxicated -- was arrested over the holiday weekend trying to break into Wrigley Field while dressed as Santa Claus.

"In looking at our pitching staff, we realized we couldn’t possibly afford to make our bullpen any weaker than it already is,” said Cubs president Crane Kenney. “So we decided to send Heckler Editor-In-Chief Brad Zibung to Cincinnati and keep Marshall for another year."

The Cubs made headlines earlier this week when owner Tom Ricketts purchased a parcel of land across from Wrigley Field where a McDonald's currently sits. Seen originally as a move to bolster the ownership's presence in the neighborhood, Ricketts revealed Friday morning that it's actually a prelude to the hopeful signing of portly free agent Prince Fielder.

Just days after news leaked that star left fielder Ryan Braun tested positive for heightened levels of synthetic testosterone, the Brewers are facing another PR nightmare as newly signed third baseman Aramis Ramirez announced plans to begin training and fighting cows during the off-season.

"Italian will be Ramirez's personal pinch-runner," said Brewers GM Doug Melvin. "Aramis was very clear that he doesn't want to run at full speed during his tenure, and Italian is way faster than him anyway."