Cubs

With employers asking for Facebook login passwords these days, it's becoming increasingly difficult to pull one over on them. That's why this totally-passable doctor's note is here just in time for Cubs Opening Day.

The newly named King of Lakeview High School attended a party at Jimmy O'Bryant's house before the cops arrived and broke up the function. Campana ran to a buddy's house to avoid an underaged drinking ticket.

"I can't tell you how many times I've been running to grab a fly ball and I end up getting briefly blinded by what appears to be a laser beam of solar radiation emanating from Len's pasty white skin up in the booth," said Alfonso Soriano, one of the worst fielders in Cubs history.

As the Cubs get ready to start the new season, Theo Epstein’s master plan is finally coming in focus. At a press conference on Monday, Epstein unveiled a graphic that made clear how his meticulously planned “moneyball” scheme works.

“I’m ecstatic about the potential for this show. The 2012 White Sox roster has all the elements already in place for comedic gold,” Apatow stated. “I mean, look at it, you have a rookie manager taking over a team that’s made up of an almost all-rookie bullpen, old and slow players and, of course, Adam Dunn. How many times did he strike out last year – like a thousand? It’s going to be hilarious.”

Manager Dale Sveum has confirmed the Cubs’ shortstop has been fitted to play with a titanium back brace for the 2012 campaign. After losing the team’s top two sluggers -- Aramis Ramirez and Carlos Pena -- left via trades and free agency, Castro has little choice but to carry the team’s offensive hopes on his back.

“I thought presenting that much food in front of such a plus-sized man was foolproof,” said Epstein. “Apparently Detroit offered him a car made out of butter or something instead.”