Day games at Wrigley Field have been hard enough on Cubs players. The early starts are notoriously problematic for them considering the rest of the league plays a majority of games at night. But the biggest problem with day games during the past few seasons has had more to do with the way the bright afternoon sun gleams off of Cubs play-by-play man, Len Kasper.

“I can’t tell you how many times I’ve been running to grab a fly ball and I end up getting briefly blinded by what appears to be a laser beam of solar radiation emanating from Len’s pasty white skin up in the booth,” said Alfonso Soriano, one of the worst fielders in Cubs history. “I hope the fans can finally understand why I’ve had so much trouble in the outfield.”

Cubs President Theo Epstein has been studying the sabermetrics of the Kasper/sunlight phenomenon since he took over the team, and he thinks he finally found a solution — forcing Len to get a spray-tan at a local tanning salon before every Cubs home game.

Unfortunately, the plan did not work.

“I’ve been in this business for 20 years, and I’ve never seen anything like it,” said Veronica Rodriguez, the woman who the Cubs hired to help Len get some color. “I’ve worked wonders for Geovany Soto, but Len is something different altogether. We’ve put him in the tanning bed for two straight days, covered him with every spray-tan on the market, and even tried a wood finisher used for furniture. His skin is truly impenetrable.”

“It’s a good thing that we’re rebuilding right now,” said Kasper’s broadcast partner, Bob Brenly. “Because we’re going to have to figure this thing out if we ever want to win the World Series. The Billy Goat Curse has got nothing on Len Kasper’s skin complexion.”

Photoshop by Kurt Evans

Michael Kloempken