The announcement that Prince Fielder wouldn’t be signing with the Chicago Cubs in the offseason is still a shock to Cubs GM Theo Epstein. Before Fielder signed with the Detroit Tigers, Epstein moved to drastic measures by attempting to lure the portly slugger to Chicago by blanketing the I-94 highway with hot dogs and deep dish pizza.

“I thought presenting that much food in front of such a plus-sized man was foolproof,” said Epstein. “Apparently Detroit offered him a car made out of butter or something instead.”

The one redeeming quality of the move was that the many tons of food covering the interstate system took no time at all to clean up. Middle-aged South Side Chicagoans came out in droves to devour the pizza and hot dogs. The entire food layout on the major highway was consumed in less than two hours. Resident Chuck O’Learihan commented on the cleanup he helped with, overwhelmed with his mouth full and tears in his eyes.

“This is the greatest day of my life,” said O’Learihan. “The Cubs should try to attract fat players all the time.”

By Andy Landgrebe. Photoshop by Kurt Evans

Andy Landgrebe