Chicago Bulls big man and notable ginger Brian Scalabrine is in critical, but stable condition this afternoon following two minutes in the mid-day sun.

“I normally keep the hours of a vampire,” said Scalabrine, covered with extreme burns on 50% of his body. “I figured I could make a beeline for my car during lunch today, but the sun proved too much. I could actually smell the flesh burning as I returned from the 7-11 with my Slushee.”

Scalabrine, who had not been exposed to the sun since 2002 when he was accidentally locked out of his apartment, is expected to make a full recovery.

“I’ll be cheering on those sidelines in no time!” he exclaimed. “Save those garbage time minutes for me, coach!”

Photoshop by Dan Lister

Heckler George