Cubs

"Oh man, this place is great," said Rizzo after finding himself in the middle of a nonstop Wrigleyville party after the game Tuesday night. "You mean it's like this every night in this neighborhood? I can't wait to party my ass off after every game."

Anthony Rizzo was loaded into a Papal-style vehicle the Cubs are calling the "Rizzomobile" this afternoon for the highly touted prospect's ride to his first game at Wrigley Field. Anxious fans lined the streets of Wrigleyville, hoping to catch a glimpse of the team's latest savior before his Cubs' debut against the Mets tonight.

Archbishop Francis Cardinal George was whisked onto the field after the Cubs 6-1 victory over the New York Mets on Monday night. Was there an injured player on the field in need of his last rights? Is the Archbishop a huge Cubs fan? Not quite.

With the highly anticipated Anthony Rizzo era about to being on the North Side, Cubs fans like John Welson are finding themselves tempering their expectations for the young slugger.

After shutting down the Mets and finally starting to look like the big league pitcher the Cubs thought they acquired this off-season, the team announced it will reward Travis Wood with a helmet that doesn't appear as if it was plagued by a factory defect.

“The style of hitting I plan to impart on the club will center wholly around the 'If You Swing At the First Pitch Again, I Will Murder You theory,'” said Rowson. “With bats firmly stuck to their shoulders, players will have time to consider other aspects of the game. Also, Campana can steal two or three bases by then.”

Daniel Tosh, host of Comedy Central’s “Tosh.0,” has offered the Cubs the chance to appear on his program during the show’s “Web Redemption” segment which showcases videos of people doing generally idiotic things and gives them the platform to defend themselves or, at the very least, explain their thought process.