Archbishop Francis Cardinal George was whisked onto the field after the Cubs 6-1 victory over the Mets Monday night. Was there an injured player on the field in need of his last rights? Is the Archbishop a huge Cubs fan? Not quite.
The archbishop was brought to the Friendly Confines in order to sanctify first base in anticipation of the arrival of the Cubs’ purported savior, Anthony Rizzo—who will make his Chicago Cubs debut on Tuesday night against the Metropolitans.
In truth, Cubs President Theo Epstein and company actually traded for the rights to Archbishop George. In exchange for the Archbishop, G.M. Jed Hoyer gave the Catholic Church a pair of street drummers, two-year rights to the Captain Morgan Club, and a player to be named later. Rumors of a straight-up Alfonso Soriano for the Archbishop trade were blown out of proportion.
“We tried to move Sori,” said a dejected Epstein. “But even an entity as forgiving as the Church wouldn’t give us a second chance on that crappy deal.”
Epstein explained why the club traded for the Archbishop.
“Hey, we know Cubs fans are making Rizzo out to be the next Savior,” said Epstein. “I’m looking for divine intervention at this point. The only thing we can do is make his playing area as holy as possible. Plus, I suspect I’ll be praying quite a bit for strength as the season continues. Having the Archbishop here makes sense.”