As the clock ticked down on LSU’s 42-25 win over Clemson, star QB and Heisman winner Kevin McAllister looked to the stands, but not for his parents.

“They still have no idea where I am,” said McAllister. “I’m just keeping an eye out for those punks Harry and Marv. They’re always up to something.”

McAllister first gained international fame in 1990 when his neglectful parents left him home alone while they took a European vacation. All hell broke loose and poor McAllister had to fend for himself.

“It was pretty lousy at the time, but it taught me perseverance and independence,” said McAllister. “Those are the kind of qualities I needed in order to become the best quarterback in college football.”

McAllister said that after graduation he planned to move to Cincinnati and eventually become a parent of his own children.

“Everyone is probably thinking this will be a sequel of my upbringing,” said McAllister. “But we already tried that a few times and it was never any good.”