With the world teetering on the verge of nuclear destruction, the Cubs have decided to not make any moves this offseason until they are sure that there is anyone alive left to sign at all.

“You know, when we said we were ready to blow this team up and make some explosive moves this offseason, we weren’t intending for it to be taken so literally,” said Theo Epstein. “When the time comes though and the fallout of this situation finally settles down, we’ll have a lineup with the potential to hit a lot of bombs come Opening Day.”

While their South Side rivals have taken the opposite approach this offseason by spending money like there’s no tomorrow (which, could be the case), the Cubs have made zero moves to improve the 84-win team from last year, other than getting rid of their manager who led the Cubs to three straight NLCS appearances and a World Series Championship. Epstein struggled to come up with that manager’s name, referring to him only as “Ol’ whats-his-face.”

The Cubs will open up their season this year on March 26, if the Earth isn’t a charred wasteland by then

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