With the shocking news that the 2018 Boston Red Sox were just another championship team from New England that probably cheated, it can now be reported that the only team to win a World Series honestly the past decade is none other than the 2016 Chicago Cubs. The virtuous Men of Maddon ended their 108-year championship drought with nothing but sweat, guile & baseball acumen. Shame on you, three-time San Fran-cheater Giants!

Cheating is a nuanced game of subterfuge and scuminess: No two teams went about it the same way. So, enjoy this thumbnail sketch of each teams’ modus operandi:

2010 – San Francisco Giants – Records going this far back in history are a bit sketchy but it’s fair to say every Giant was using copious amounts of leftover clear & cream from Barry Bonds’ old locker.
2011 – St. Louis Cardinals – Between Yadi Molina’s sticky catcher’s gear and the Cardinals sneaking in a ringer from outside their school district (David Freese) it’s amazing the Rangers forced a game 7.
2012 – San Francisco Giants – Team spies snuck mild doses of elephant tranquilizers in the pre-game meals of top Tigers Miguel Cabrera & Justin Verlander, causing to them almost sleep through the series.
2013 – Boston Red Sox – Somehow nobody noticed they hired a special video coordinator from the neighborhood just for the World Series: Bill Belichick.
2014 – San Francisco Giants – World Series MVP Madison Bumgarner had pre-series Tommy John surgery to add illegal amounts of ligaments to his left arm, he was practically Wolverine on the that mound.
2015 – Kansas City Royals – How does a bunch of hicks from Rube Town, Mo., like the Royals defeat a Mets that included Thor? They do what Thanos did to whip the Avengers: alter reality with an Infinity stone.
2016 – Cubs!
2017 – Houston Astros – Cameras! Sign Stealing! That’s the only way to nullify the pitching dominance of Yu Darvish.
2018 – Boston Red Sox – Please see today’s headlines.
2019 – Washington Nationals – It hasn’t been announced yet, but they literally live in the city of scandal. Any day we’ll find out some senator paid some umps off to help the Nats overcome the Astros surveillance cameras.

Patrick Olson