With the college football season ready to begin, all eyes are on South Carolina DE Jadeveon Clowney. NFL GMs are so eager for a chance to pick him that every single team is planning to go 0-16 this season.
“Clowney’s an absolute beast and will no doubt redefine the defensive end position in the NFL,” said Broncos GM John Elway of the 6-foot-6, 275-pound 20-year-old. “Sure, lots of people are picking us to win the Super Bowl this year, but we’d be willing to sacrifice that for a chance to have Jadeveon on our team for the next decade.”
Added Elway: “Bruce Smith used to give me nightmares. Clowney makes Bruce Smith look like Bruce Jenner. And not the Bruce Jenner from back when he was winning decathlons. Bruce Jenner from now who looks like a corpse. That’s how good Clowney is.”
NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell said normally he would be concerned that all of his league’s teams were planning to tank the season, but this is a special set of circumstances.
“Every since Clowney blew up that poor kid from Michigan in the Outback Bowl last year I’ve known what a force he’ll be in our league,” said Goodell. “Sure, he led with his helmet on that play which would have resulted in a $50,000 fine and four-game suspension had it occurred in the NFL, but that doesn’t mean it wasn’t awesome.”
Goodell also pointed out that it’s mathematically impossible for all 32 teams to go 0-16 anyway so he’s not too worried about it.
“Even the really bad teams will luck into a few wins this year,” said Goodell. “Even the Cowboys will probably steal at least one win this year.”