In the wake of Monday’s events – during which Ryan Dempster himself cut down wild trade speculation shortly before the Cubs played in Pittsburgh – the Cubs’ front office has deemed it necessary for players to have their cell phones on them at all times. If only to prove where they are.

“We live in an age of instant information,” said GM Jed Hoyer. “Unfortunately that also means instant misinformation, reaction, speculation, suggestion, implication, allegation, re-reaction and, eventually, threats to do unholy things to me, my family and our beloved dog Jericho. We now feel it best to separate the fact from nonsense sooner than later.”

IF/OF Jeff Baker was the first to make use of the new rule. After more rumors began making their way around the internet during Tuesday’s game, he tweeted: “Turn on the TV u nerds. I’m in right. FACE.”

Dempster said would have preferred the Cubs started allowing players to carry cell phones with them a little earlier this season.

“I’ve been a part of trade rumors for months now and waiting until after the game to know if I’ve been traded has been driving me crazy,” said Dempster. “Normally I just use my phone to text photos of my scrotum to former teammates, but in this case it would have actually been useful.”

Bandwagon Dan