The city of Vancouver is taking the unusual precaution of spraying flame retardant chemicals on its entire downtown area should the city’s unruly citizens react violently if the Canucks are swept out of the playoffs by the Kings Wednesday night.

“Better safe than sorry, eh?” said Peter Mitchell the city’s press secretary, speaking to the media about safety precautions being taken in and around the city’s downtown area. “In addition to spraying the entire city with a puffy white foam that will prevent our local hooligans from setting everything on fire again this year, we’re going to have more policemen and firefighters on staff and we’ve bought more of those rubber bullets to shoot any kids making out in the streets.”

The safety measurements are being taken to prevent a repeat of the scene after the Canucks’ Stanley Cup Game 7 loss to the Bruins last spring when massive riots broke out in the streets. Fires were set to cars and small businesses and horny teenagers took “PDA” to a whole different level.

“This is just to make sure that everyone stays safe and that the city won’t be embarrassed again, at least off the ice,” said Mitchell. “It’d be nice if the Canucks could take the pressure off city officials and win the series, but we’ve learned our lesson from last year.”

Brian Farrell