Newly signed Tiger Prince Fielder has promised the city of Detroit that he will do them proud by taking their money and rapidly decaying into an obese, ineffective eyesore before their very eyes over the nine years of his $214 million contract.

In a press conference to announce his signing, Fielder expressed his desire to emulate his new hometown.

“It truly is an honor to sign with the Detroit Tigers, and I hope to make myself the poster child for this fine city,” said Fielder. “Where Detroit was a proud and thriving area that let itself fall into disrepair throughout the years, so too will I hope to transfer from potential hall-of-fame first baseman to overpaid, useless, overweight designated hitter right in front of your eyes.”

When asked to clarify his remarks, Fielder simply scratched himself, burped, and began loudly eating a five-yard-long spool of cotton candy.

By Jeff GoodSmith

Jeff GoodSmith